I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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