I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
