Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We left an ass print on the piano.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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