so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
