How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
