I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm