If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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