I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize