I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
