i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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