There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize