It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She told me I should be a condom model.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
