When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The convent might be a nice break from real life
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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