I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
