She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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