They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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