You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
