i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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