I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
