im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
