i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
