I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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