boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
