Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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