I'm drive I can fine osifer
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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