i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
