Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
