dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
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He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
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Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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