meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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