I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
