Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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