peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
