dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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