Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
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I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
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Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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