I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
