i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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