I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
