My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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