what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
