someone threw a dead crab at me
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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