If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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