New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
