Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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