pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
