need another drink. this is the easiest way
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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