How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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