Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
