i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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