Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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