I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
