I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
