so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
