Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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