I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
