DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
