Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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