I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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