Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
