she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
organizing the empties. That sober.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
