I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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