So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
